The Art of Teenage Stalking

When browsing through this precarious blogsite for humorous blogs to read I am both puzzled and amazed at the lack of comedic talent there is. Even when clicking on the categories of ‘humor’ and ‘comedy’ I am faced with delinquents relaying back to their bewildered ‘readers’ of the previous day’s musing about on Youtube and the videos that they find funny. Now correct me if I am wrong, I am pretty sure that does not qualify as blogging.

Now any idiot can link their friends to the somewhat hilarious videos from last night’s episode of Saturday Night Live. But it takes more than an IQ of 11 to write a somewhat successful blog. To solve this problem I present a solution. This solution takes the form in several stages, and luckily for me I do not have to resort to Zyklon B to get the trick done (forgive me).

Step 1: Sifting through the hundreds, if not thousands of rubbish posts that are posted day in and day out is not an easy task. But someone needs to do it. Now unfortuneately if you’re a moderator reading this, I would not like to volunteer for this job, because unlike a lot of other readers and bloggers found at wordpress and other blogging sites, I do in fact have a life other than the one you see here on the interwebs.

Step 2: Now step 2 I have designed with the perfect stereotype in mind, that is the average WoW playing and cheezo eating geek with a pony tail and his keyboard on his belly. Now YOU may be the perfect one for the role, and that’s good. All you have to do is look at a ‘blog’ and click delete account. But just remember that if you are lucky enough to fall into that job category, that you will never be able to get laid or do anything evenful other than delving into the lives of others and downloading internet porn (MHS guys get through that phase).

Step 3: The final step is somewhat amusing for as it diverts all traffic back towards worthy blogs such as mine. A blog must be useful, a blog must be able to provide readers with lessons, so that once they are done reading, they can say: ‘hey, what he/she said was true’. A truly great blog will make their readers muse upon said issues further after reading a blog, and hopefully inspire the readers to write and expand about that topic.

That is enough of a rant for me. And for all those stereotypes that I mentioned in this post, I am not prejudiced to any one group – I hate everyone equally. But until next time…

Signing off.

Now you may wonder why the earth really is in fact round, and not flat, but there are more pressing issues concerning mankind at the moment. Yes, I dare to talk about the issue that is best left untouched – just like Jamie’s sister. The issue I am talking about here, is the lack of etiquette when it comes to dining at Sushi train stores. And as Brendan Fraser once said in the 1997 hit flick “Blast From The Past”, etiquette is just a way of showing how much you respect someone. So then, does that mean that all the other squinty eyed, or curry sniffing, or cocain snorting uni students do not respect me as an individual and a customer? And that goes for any other well to do customer at Sushi train stores.

Now I know you’ve all been through my situation, and I commend you for the amount of energy that you have put into restraining yourself from launching a Nigiri sushi at the bimbo at the table next to you. Now for those of you who are unable to picture the preface in your mind. The situation simply goes like this.

1. You sit patiently at your seat and wait for your favourite kind of sushi

2. You spot your favourite sushi and prepare yourself mentally, for the meal

3. A FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT STEALS YOUR SUSHI

Now step 4 comes in a variety of ways. For me, I am just grateful that the Sushi store is kind enough to provide its patrons with weapons at the ready – for the chopstick is a deadly weapon, as proven by Jet Li in the 2002 hit flick Kiss of the Dragon. But there will be no martial arts reenactments here. No sir. But it would be nice just to picture how it COULD turn out in your mind.

Another common enemy of the average teenager eating at Sushi train includes the infamous businessman/woman. This evil archetype will be commonly referred to in later episodes, but for now, you will only get a teaser of their brute. Now the businessman/woman usually comes in a nice suit with a bluetooth earpiece at the ready. Not only will the businessman come in with flare and debonair, they will also demand the best seats (depending on what you prefer, it is usually somewhere in the middle, most of the single caucasian women sit there). Now being of a higher social standing than other patrons, automatically an influx of quality and untained sushi will come rolling through the conveyor belt. And, as a sub standard patron, it is my most fervent hope that the businessman/woman dies of food poisoning. Not because I spite them – just a little. But because it is better to do with them quickly. Because the grim reality is that he or she will end up divorced before the age of 40, maybe have sex with a minor, or contract HIV.

So you can see my experience at Sushi train stores have been somewhat displeasing. But I hope that you make the effort to spend at least one meal there. If you do go, I recommend that you make the most of your time there, and confront all other patrons and say ‘hey bitch that was MY maki roll’ and slap her.

I hope you all enjoyed my insight into the world of Sushi trains -even though I rarely delved on the topic.

Watch out for more of my somewhat useful insights into adolescent issues. But until next time.

Cheerio

Now before you launch a myriad of flying swords at me, take this time to read what I have to say about the land of the hopes and dreams – or was that hollywood; doesn’t matter, it’s still in the US. Now having spent time there – two weeks warrants a title as an expert into the United States – I can tell you first hand that international stereotypes of Americans are true!

Stereotype #1: The Redneck

Now having spent two weeks with such a species I know first hand the dangers they pose. Luckily for me this one was a mutated (some would call ‘evolved’) form of the Homoredneckius. But having spent some time with him/her I realised that they do provide some benefit to the nation (the ones I came across).

1.  100% Patriotic – now that is they may not be the smartest citizens, but they are citizens nonetheless. Now the one I talked to was part of the National Guard. After the comedic truth that the National Guard is substandard in Military terms I realised that whatever their gripes are with the different services, he was just an average citizen who wanted to do his part. Now isn’t that something to be commended on.

2. They buy you stuff – this guy that I met over in the US of A was a real nice fellow. Although as previously stated, that he would not cure cancer, he sure did cure my hunger. Now he was smart enough to recommend to me not to eat $20 worth of Reese’s peanut butter cups. Even though I was determined to do so, he was kind enough to fund my suicide attempt. You could say that it was a case of euthanasia (hey, I think i’ll write something on that).

Stereotype #2: The African American

Now another steretype that I came across the African American. Yes, I met a genuine one. I know it’s a revelation to people like Australians, but the one that I became friends did not pull a gat on me and threaten to ‘put a cap in yo ass’. Now ADL as he is referred to his hard to figure out. Before coming to the US I thought that all those brothers would stick together. But when posed with the question: ‘McCain or Obama’, I was met with a dumbfounded look of ‘what do you think?’ To this day it is a surprise that he is a McCain supporter. Now to all you Obama supporters out there – especially the white ones – how do you explain the loss of an African American Obama supporter? HE’S AFRICAN AMERICAN!!!

Aside from my political rant I did come across – although to my benefit not intimately – the famed African America. I cite to you an example of such a neighbourhood (even though I had never heard of it before). Anacostia in the District of Columbia filled all my criteria in terms of seeing an African American ‘burb. There were cop cars and urban music blasting in the streets. And we, as foreigners in matching shirts, got the ‘if you weren’t from another country we’d mug yo’ ass’.

Stereotype 3: SoCal surfer

This SoCal surfer that I met was also from Orange County. Now with my expectations at a whole new level after the realisation that the aforementioned steretypes did in fact exist, this guy had a lot to live up to. To my disappointment, he did not have the wavey blonde hair. Nor did he have that thick, SoCal accent that we hear so much on Josh Schwartz’s the OC. Oh, and let’s leave the partying out of it (EPIC FAIL IN THAT CATEGORY).

Stereotype #4: Blonde? Bimbo

The bimbo I met wasn’t blonde. Well, the bimbos (plural) that I met came in the form of brunettes and ginger kids. Now this may come as a surprise to you international students hoping to get laid in a Harold and Kumar way, but most of the bimbos in America aren’t blonde! What is up with that? Now I tried being a nice Australian, everyone loves Aussies, but holding a decent conversation with one of these types was not only painful and boring, I felt braincells dying.

When venturing into the public eye with this stereotype I felt ashamed to be wearing matching shirts with them – I was representing my country! I gave them a chance to redeem themselves, but, all the did was approach me and ask for knee high socks (white). So that they could wear it with their denim mini skirts. Now if that is not an abomination in itself, I do not know what it is. Some fantasies are better left inside one’s  head, or locked up inside the basement (if you’re into that thing).

That concludes my comprehensive analysis on the American steretypes. Now this list is by no means exhaustive. If there are any others that you feel I may have missed. Please, alert me to my errors. But remember, if you decide to contact me to inform me of my mistake, you will no doubt see me when you touch yourself tonight.

Signing off.

The Namman

Written by Matt Wilson

This is a notice on train etiquette designed for adults as well as school children (ages 15-45). Now let us begin:

Voices

1. This is a very vague subject so I shall sprawl deeper into the topic
- For those in groups keep voices to a dull whisper I don’t care what boy likes you (directed at 16yr old girls and private school boys)
- For those girls/ young guys, your voice is probably high pitched. An enclosed space is not the place to raise your voice, its already screechy enough, your friends know this, and the rest of the train doesn’t need to know this fact about you.
- If you are in a group of 4 or more only let one person speak at once, this makes it easier for people to listen in and quit downs the train (even though your conversation isn’t interesting either)

Posture

2. If you are extremely tall or larger stature good for you or bad either way, it doesn’t give you the permission to take up 3 seats.
3. Those shorter of us, don’t over compensate by carrying everything either in your hands or on your back, I’m pretty sure the ground will hold it to, you guys are not turtles you do no need to keep your whole life on your back.

Mobile phones/ palm pilots and any Ridiculous device that runs your life

4. These things are handy in life, but I don’t need to be able to hear the sound of the other person’s voice on a phone/ sound of a musician/ sound of you wining solitaire.

RULE FIVE IS:

5. No talking without pants on, this doesn’t relate to trains necessarily but to normal everyday life, tis real handy. Abide by it at all cost

Manners

6. This particular topic relates to the older generation:
- No, the students don’t pay full fare. But why do you deserve a seat. You probably take fewer stops and you still complain more than others. I have a few pills for you. . . Harden the fuck up pills, stop being princesses and stand for the 10-45 mins because no doubt you are going to an office to sit on your ass for 5-9 hours
7. Being older doesn’t stop you saying please/ thank you for those moving out of your way, and here’s an idea ask for the fucking seat, don’t expect it, get off your (insert profanity) high horse. 9/10 if you ask politely the student will be polite back

Give me a bell if more things should be added and I will get to it.