The Art of Teenage Stalking

My current life consists of a multitude of countdowns.  

• 3 days until my Biology exam
• 9 days until I turn 18
• 13 days until my Chemistry exam
• 14 days until my Art exam
• 17 days until my German exam
• 45 days until I get my results 
• 2 months and nine days until my best friend comes home
• 2 months and 20 days (approx) and I find out what I’ll be doing next year.

Sounds like a party to me! What I can’t wait for are the crazy dreams that come with the stress. Yesterday I had a nap, and I awoke, and my room was lit in a way that only occurs after about 10am. I had a full on panic attack, thinking I’d slept through my English exam.  BUT it was only two hours later, and I still had another 17 hours until my exam. 

Where am I going with this?

Who knows. I need to make a myriad of decisions, and I really need to sleep, and learn half the biology course, and then revise the said biology course, and I don’t have any idea of where I’m going to find the time in the day.

Funnily enough, there are only 24 hours in a day.

Sometimes this annoys me. I spend half the day procrastinating. Watching me try and do work is entertaining for those around me. I become fascinated in the most inane things. I spent a good 10 minutes looking at my fingers the other day, and a good 5 looking at my toes. 

It’s good to have such great concentration skills.

Oh look, something shiny. 

Best be off.

Good evening once again, comrades.

A while ago I found a neat little site called “The Political Compass”, and today I thought I’d share it with you.

The main point of interest about this site is the relatively short political test that you can take, which asks about your opinions on various political, social and economic questions. From your answers, it calculates for you a “political compass”, which shows you where you lie on the economic scale (left-wing or right-wing) and the social scale (libertarian or authoritarian). For example, here’s mine:

Note that your position on the political compass can also be stated in numbers, with your economic position first followed by your social position. For example, mine, shown above, is (-6.2, +0.3).

As you can see, there’s more to it that simply Communism on the far Left and Fascism on the far Right (in fact, it is a myth that Communism and Fascism are opposites – Fascism is actually the opposite of Anarchism, while Communism is the opposite of neo-liberalism). There’s more to politics than the way the economy is managed – there are also social factors, which are taken into account in this graph.

Of course, this test is far from 100% accurate. In fact, it probably only gives you a very rough idea of where you lie politically as you aren’t questioned very extensively. So please don’t take this too seriously – I posted this more as a fun thing with a bit of politics mixed in.

There is also some analysis of how the political compass works, and there are some graphs that show the position of some famous politicians on the other pages of the site. I encourage you to check these out too.

If you’re interested/bored, visit the site at http://politicalcompass.org/. Click on “Take the test” on the left to take the test.

- Ruob.

Have you ever gone to a party, and gotten stuck talking to someone who loves their phone, just a little too much? Recently I overheard my friend Chuck talking to a girl, about his large arsenal of Hamburger phones. Obviously, a conversation centred around sandwich-like phones is not something you’d talk about to an attractive young woman. It is one that is best kept to your mates, but no matter what, to talk about such phones results in dire social consequences.

Since the release of the comedy drama ‘Juno’, it seems that retro phones are back in. No I am not talking about fluffy handsets for your home phone, but I mean the hamburger phone, as featured in Juno.

So what can I say about the Hamburger phone… As much as I admire your awesomeness for owning such a novelty communication device, I secretly think that you are a retard for owning one. Now who in their right mind would go and buy a phone, in the shape of a hamburger. Now it’s difficult for me to imagine any household that wouldn’t clash with this phone – unless of course you have posters of Frank Zappa, and lava lamps, as well as purple rug in your house.

This problem isn’t just as simple as: ‘hey that phone looks awesome, I might get one’; the problem is much deeper. Let’s delve deep into someone’s childhood – so that we can unlock the truth about their deep found affinity with hamburger phones:

I see a young boy/girl, playing with her toys. Now most children are born into a normal family-type household. But every family has a nut – whether it be an uncle, aunt, parent, or sibling. Now as a child it may appear as though they are headed towards a fairly average adolescence, then onto a fairly average adulthood. BUT (there’s always a but), one day, daddy (or alternate relation) comes home crazier than usual. Mummy grabs the hamburger to defend herself, and he doesn’t like that. So, daddy grabs the hamburger from her, and then comes at me with the burger. Then, he sticks the burger in my mouth and says “Why so serious? Let’s put a smile on that face.”

Now I’m assuming that you’ve all seen The Dark Knight, and what happens next, well the child chokes his attacker to death with the hamburger, and when he/she presses against the burger, they can hear the life disappear from the victim.

Now of course, I am no psychologist, but from my experiences with people who I know that own hamburger phones, when a murder is associated with them, it usually involves a whopper or a big mac. So it is only natural for them to have a certain affinity with food-related communication devices. I can see it now, McDonald’s could profit from this industry greatly, the release of the McPhone could revitalise the company’s standing internationally.

So if you are a person who decides to buy a hamburger phone, just think, have you been linked to any hamburger related homicides in the past? If so, that would explain your sick twisted need to hear someone’s voice through a sandwich.

Disclaimer: This only applys for hamburger phones. Banana phones are awesome, and everyone should get one. They work well when placed next to a fruit basket, and doesn’t clash with the decore.

After a recent study into mobile web use, it was revealed that a large proportion of iPhone users browse using their iPhone during the afternoon. But most of mobile web browsing and web browsing in general is done at 10PM. So does that mean that iPhone users sleep early? Now I posed this question to my youtube viewers, and here were the replies I got:

compootergal36 said: I use my iPhone mainly for work and during business hours, and when I go home I browse (most likely internet porn because compootergal36 is probably a 36 year old Arkansas male) using my macbook (an attempt of showing off how cool he is because his computer and phone make great fashion accessories).

brwandon said: the same thing. He tried to convince me that he was a businessman using is fag talk. Blah blah blah. And I smited him with my mighty demi-god like powers by removing him from my subscribers list. Here’s one for you, apple is releasing an iFag, that’d work perfectly with your macbook’s pink neoprene sleeve.

As you can see I have no clear explanation as to why the majority of iPhone users switch off internet browsing at night. But, what I have learnt that the average iPhone user is male with a lack of female genitalia present in their lives apart from the ones hiding underneath the layers of fabric. So, obviously they would not use an iPhone to watch internet porn, as it would remove one of their hands for sexual purposes. Now being a more family orientated blog – yeah right – I try to keep this as sensible as possible, BUT the data is clear. iPhone users don’t in fact go to bed early, but merely go to their macbooks to relieve themselves via internet porn.

Introducing the new iFag

Disclaimer: While my explanation is not in fact true (maybe it is), the data does say that iPhone users switch off at night. I myself love apple products and am patiently awaiting the release of the iFag.

No, actually, scrap that title, it was just that I had no idea what I was going to write today, because everyday is obviously very different from the last. For example, I woke up this morning and my alarm clock beeped in its usual exact nine minute intervals (I have no idea why; perhaps the manufacturers in Taiwan will only allow me 8 minutes and 59 seconds more sleep just to piss me off) whereas yesterday, I was woken by my neighbour calling for her cat. Seriously, I have no freaking idea what is UP with this woman and her cat. It doesn’t even have a name, she just refers to it as ‘pussy’. And believe me, I struggle to get to sleep at night when, at 1 in the morning, a woman is outside yelling ‘PUSSY!! PUSSY!! PUSSY WHERE ARE YOU? COME TO MAMA!’ and she should probably just ask the gardener. The conversation would probably go something along the lines of:

Crazy Cat-Lady: Have you seen my pussy?

Gardener: Why yes, I think its over there in the bushes.

Okay, sorry, maybe that last part was purely fictional, but you get my drift. Anyway, from what I have told you so far about my life, you are probably now aware that I do not delve very deep into important issues concerning the world (and that I’m probably just another horny teenager posting blogs about cats). Ah but you are wrong. Let me show you, with another example. You see, a couple weeks back, I was having a jolly old time with my friends on a bench along humble Collins Street in the city, we were watching people pass, innocently licking our ice creams and drinking our 7-11slurpees, when suddenly between brainfreezes, I notice… OH EM GEE!!! Someone’s just dropped a $10 note! No one else has seen… I run up to it… Heart pounding, I grab the blue note between my sticky ice cream hands, and you what I do? I put it in my pocket and save it for a rainy day. NO!! You know what I REALLY do? I’ll tell you what! I chase that man down Collins street until that note is safely returned to the cosy confines of the strangers wallet. See? I can be deep. And caring. And i like to think that, in one way or the other, I’m helping to ease the Global Financial Crisis. Yes indeed. You know what else I did that day? I helped my friend win a free slurpee by peeling off the tag on her cup. That’s right. Me. Saving the world, one free slurpee at a time.

Until tomorrow, I shall leave you with a quote:
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” -Brooke Shields, Actress.

AL