I’m sure you have all been faced with the situation – or similar – which I am about to embark on a long rant about. Have you ever met someone who you despised so much, because they tell you that they have dated a particular girl when they really havn’t, and then they contact you on your iPhone and chat on a 3 way asking for a ‘what-what.’ And then they expect your sympathy when they have “broken up”/been dumped by the girl, and it makes you so mad it makes you want to punch the in the face? – or in my case, the back of their head.

That’s what I’m here to talk to you about. Yesterday while working my ass off in the gym I was mesmerized by the pixelated image of David Koch, or some other breakfast TV presenter. Now for my undisclosed reasons I try to ignore anything a breakfast presenter says, but when they announced that they were now “friends” with the now extremely popular “I secretly want to punch slow moving people in the back of the head” group, it got me thinking – hey! I fit into that group.

Situation 1: Running for the train, you are no doubt going to be faced with, at some point, escalators. Now because of the nature of escalators you must be careful when walking down the steps, otherwise the big escalator monster with sharp teeth and evil green laser type eyes will eat you up (like in that movie I saw when I was a kid – I have a fear of escalators OK! Leave me alone). Now of course everyone has been late for a train at some point in their lives and the escalator becomes the only thing between you and getting onto the train on time. Well, that, and the slow moving people ON the escalator as well. Now, you are faced with two very difficult decisions, lose the train, or lose your decency. You could push and shove your way through the train, or stand patiently as the escalators cycles down while elevator music is running through your mind. Of course if you’re unlucky you’ll miss the train. This injustice can not go unpunished! Punch that slow moving person in the back of the head.

Situation 2: Now when being chased after by your pimp for owing him last week’s earnings you must commute to the ATM for transactions. Now slow moving people aren’t only found while commuting, but also at ATMs. Your pimp Upgrayedd (two D’s for a double dose of pimpin’) is busting you for owing him money, and to make matters worse, the (insert social stereotype here) in front of you is taking his/her time forgetting the pin code, or reading the balance. What to do? Punch them in the back of the head.

Now there are a myriad of situations where this will occur, and the only solution as mentioned above is punching them in the back of the head. But there are two options: being a decent human being, or not. Now if you choose to be a decent human being and wait, then good on you. If not, well then, shame on you (don’t worry, I’d choose this option as well). But it’s ok I guess, because chances are, the people around me don’t know me, so don’t judge me, I don’t care.

Now if you’re looking for a single 30-40 year old male who lives with his mother and will make a good partner, add the aforementioned Facebook page as a group. But if you’re looking for a solution to your commuting dilemma, then you have your answer, I only hope that you carry out God’s/my will for better or for worse.