Have you ever gone to a party, and gotten stuck talking to someone who loves their phone, just a little too much? Recently I overheard my friend Chuck talking to a girl, about his large arsenal of Hamburger phones. Obviously, a conversation centred around sandwich-like phones is not something you’d talk about to an attractive young woman. It is one that is best kept to your mates, but no matter what, to talk about such phones results in dire social consequences.

Since the release of the comedy drama ‘Juno’, it seems that retro phones are back in. No I am not talking about fluffy handsets for your home phone, but I mean the hamburger phone, as featured in Juno.

So what can I say about the Hamburger phone… As much as I admire your awesomeness for owning such a novelty communication device, I secretly think that you are a retard for owning one. Now who in their right mind would go and buy a phone, in the shape of a hamburger. Now it’s difficult for me to imagine any household that wouldn’t clash with this phone – unless of course you have posters of Frank Zappa, and lava lamps, as well as purple rug in your house.

This problem isn’t just as simple as: ‘hey that phone looks awesome, I might get one’; the problem is much deeper. Let’s delve deep into someone’s childhood – so that we can unlock the truth about their deep found affinity with hamburger phones:

I see a young boy/girl, playing with her toys. Now most children are born into a normal family-type household. But every family has a nut – whether it be an uncle, aunt, parent, or sibling. Now as a child it may appear as though they are headed towards a fairly average adolescence, then onto a fairly average adulthood. BUT (there’s always a but), one day, daddy (or alternate relation) comes home crazier than usual. Mummy grabs the hamburger to defend herself, and he doesn’t like that. So, daddy grabs the hamburger from her, and then comes at me with the burger. Then, he sticks the burger in my mouth and says “Why so serious? Let’s put a smile on that face.”

Now I’m assuming that you’ve all seen The Dark Knight, and what happens next, well the child chokes his attacker to death with the hamburger, and when he/she presses against the burger, they can hear the life disappear from the victim.

Now of course, I am no psychologist, but from my experiences with people who I know that own hamburger phones, when a murder is associated with them, it usually involves a whopper or a big mac. So it is only natural for them to have a certain affinity with food-related communication devices. I can see it now, McDonald’s could profit from this industry greatly, the release of the McPhone could revitalise the company’s standing internationally.

So if you are a person who decides to buy a hamburger phone, just think, have you been linked to any hamburger related homicides in the past? If so, that would explain your sick twisted need to hear someone’s voice through a sandwich.

Disclaimer: This only applys for hamburger phones. Banana phones are awesome, and everyone should get one. They work well when placed next to a fruit basket, and doesn’t clash with the decore.