December 2008


MSN = Prime example.

You log on, see who’s online and chat.

BUT STOP.

We missed a step. Right before the ‘see who’s online’. The groups you have classified your friends as.  Ahh, so now we come to the reason behind this post. I want to see how many possible different groups there are.

I’ll list a few that people I know have. And myself. But that’s not the point. Carry on..

*Online *Offline *Friends *Besties *Enemies *Boys *Girls *Randoms *(Insert School) *(Insert Sport Team) *(Insert Club) *(Insert Country) *Family *Connections *Colleagues *Adults *Kids and etc.

But what I want to find are any of those really wacky ones. Like the ones people have, yet even they can’t answer why they have them. For example, enemies. Unless you plan on having a good old argument with them every now and again, what is the point of having them? No plans to talk to them = bye bye. Yet you will find people have their only little group reserved just for these little men. (Or women. Either one. Or maybe neither.. ooh hadn’t thought of that had you?)

So if anyone out there in the wide world known as earth has one of these wacky groups, please inform me. And of WHY as well. Otherwise you would be depriving me, and any other readers of this blog and that is something you surely dont want to do.

Until then.. ta ta!

CrunchieKay

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Good afternoon on this fine Christmas Eve, comrades.

Here’s a thought that seems to be appropriate to share on Christmas Eve.

Why do people bother going through the painstaking process of choosing and buying presents for people, with a roughly 90% chance that he/she won’t like it?

Why can’t people just give some money as a present, and the recipient can go and choose and buy something he’ll actually like?

I find it idiotic that, for the sake of “tradition”, people are willing to fight through swarms of fellow shoppers and significant amounts of time hunting for Christmas “bargains”, only to have whatever shitty present they buy promptly forgotten forever by the recipient. Is it not blatantly obvious that the most logical way to do Christmas giving is by handing over a few notes so he/she can buy something they’ll definitely like? Stop wasting effort in vainly hunting for “perfect” presents, in the process funding big corporations and companies and giving those filthy rich Capitalists a much unneeded boost. Go spend your time on something more productive and of more value to this world.

“But wait, you dirty communist!” you might say. “What about the excitement of opening up an unknown present! Stop trying to take away an important Christmas tradition!”

Well, quite frankly, no matter the excitement and suspense associated with presents, a gift from someone else will never suit your wants and needs as much as if you go out and buy it yourself. And I couldn’t care less about “tradition”, in this day and age what we need is practicality and logical thinking to solve problems that plague society. So what if giving money doesn’t look as good as giving a box wrapped up in colourful paper. It’s the practical solution. Getting rid of the silly, imagined importance of wrapped up presents will help solve the stress and often chaos associated with Christmas shopping. I mean, people have been killed in Christmas shopping-related stampedes. It is really worth it for 40% off some overpriced product (despite the fact that, even with the 40% discount, it’s still overpriced)?

Then you might argue that, with everyone giving each other money, it would be even more silly, with people being able to see clearly exactly how much they’ve profited or lost. Well I personally wouldn’t mind seeing an annual period of spreading the wealth, but I admit that this idea is somewhat unfeasible.

So you know what? Let’s just cut out this costly ritual of spending large amounts of money on each other’s wants (not needs), and actually give to people who need it! Let’s make Christmas a giant charity-fest, an annual event where, along with traditional Christmas celebrations, people bond together and donate large amounts of funds to charities, giving to the less fortunate poverty-stricken people both at home and abroad in poor areas, and helping supply for their basic needs to survive, instead of running around wondering what new flashy gadget we can add to our collection. For the religious ones out there, I’m sure your Jesus would be pleased with such a combined action to help the needy every year, much more so than making the rich even richer. For the non-religious, well, such a charity-fest would simply be a highly productive, conscience-nurturing and fulfilling thing to take part in – much better than spending hours hunting for meaningless products, only to never see them in use again after giving them away.

Modern Christmas is a Capitalist lie. How did we turn a time for reflecting on the goodness of humanity into a money-grubbing Capitalist’s wet dream? Maybe it’s time we saw through the hugely unnecessary amounts of the trivial, commercial aspects of today’s Christmas and get back to the positive and spiritual meaning behind it. We should take a look at the bigger picture and make use of Christmas, a time when good nature and generosity are at a high, to get something useful and necessary done in this problematic world.

– Ruob.

So it’s nearly Christmas already, as you should be well aware of, unless you have been living under a rock for the past few months (that’s you, Osama bin Laden… Wherever you may be…)
At last we can get this over and done with.
There will be no more consumer-fuelled commercialism (until the next religious holiday, Easter. Seriously, there are Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies lining the shelves as we speak).

Instead, Christmas steps aside so that consumer-fuelled fighting over reduced goods may begin. From experience, parents often promise their kids an ‘After Christmas’ present, when in a few days time, will be the perfect opportunity to be looking for one.

Sales…It is easy to get wrapped up in the word: SALE. Most people won’t realise that what they bought is an utter piece of shit until they take it home and realise that they really have no use for a toaster that burns your toast in 350 shades of brown. Then again, perhaps it’s all in the thrill of the chase. Waking up at 5 am in the morning to race 5000 ravenous women into a department store full of cheap, dumped and unwanted stock? Two thousand dollars and a broken leg. Watching the victims with sprained ankles and hernias on TV? Priceless.

So to prevent future stressful situations involving what to buy for your family or loved ones, I have chosen a few excellent gifts. I do disapprove of all this commercialism, but then again, buying things DOES help the economy.

So what happens if you can’t find a gift for your girlfriend / yo mama?
Take a look at this:
fetus-cookie

Wow. I know what my mum’s getting for Christmas next year! The website that sells them claims: ‘When you’re done, your kitchen will be filled with the enchanting aroma of freshly baked fetuses!’ 
Whoever invented them was either a genius who:
a) Merged the tasty combo of cookie and foetus
b) A pedophile        OR
c) All of the above.

If you’re having trouble getting a gift for your kid for any occasion, try one of these:cat-lady 

cat-lady-2

Guarantees hours of fun… And a great role model for little girls. The lesson here is that if you become unsuccessful at life, just become unemployed, buy a great pair of tartan pants and loafers, attract a bunch of cats and you’ll get your own action figure!

Well then, ladies, what do you get for your boyfriend, I hear you ask? 
 I completely understand. So here is the perfect gift for that special guy in your life
(It’s a bonus if he goes to Melbourne High!)

unicorn-1

 Yep that’s right… The avenging unicorn. This is what happens when unicorns go bad.
It even comes with 4 interchangeable horns for all your impaling needs.

Now, you should have no problem shopping around for last minute gifts. Don’t be disappointed if you don’t get a foetus-shaped cookie cutter this year. There’s always the next. Or perhaps that was what the person, who bought you the toaster that burns your bread into 350 shades of brown, really meant to buy you.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Now dont get me wrong.. christmas is soo much fun. But there are always those negatives.  And because I’m in a really ‘bah humbug’ mood I’m going to list them.

1. Spending all your money on presents and then realising your broke. Oh great. I’m officially broke, no money and I’m smack bang in the middle of dying from exhaustion from traping around this shopping centre for the last four hours.. AND I CAN’T EVEN BUY MYSELF A DRINK.

2. Those dreaded relatives coming over. Sloppy kisses. Do this. Do that. Never-ending hugs. Cheek pinching. ‘Why look how much you’ve grown!’. The fluffy pink teddy they expect you to love even though you are well past the baby stages.

3. Getting up at 4.30 because somebody’s little siblings want to see santa. NO HE DOES NOT BLOODY EXIST. NO I AM NOT GETTING UP TO FIND HIM.

4. Getting up an hour later because they want to open their presents. GO TO FREAKING SLEEP.

5. Having to cook all the food when entertaining family. Or helping cook it, either way. It’s enough to make you hate kitchens for a lifetime.

6. Opening presents and realising you either a) already own it or b) would never ever buy anything relatively similar to it. And then having to pretend like its the best present ever for fear of offending anyone.

etc. etc.

That is all. Bah Humbug.

CrunchieKay

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. None of that is my personal opinion whatsoever. That was merely my attempt at being negative about christmas.. and as you can see I probably failed. Oh and none of those are my experiences. I got the ideas off grumpy old women – a classic show. 😀

This week I have realised that it is time to get a move on with applying for a job for next year’s work experience. The job I want (at a newspaper company) requires that I submit my application an entire year prior to the work experience date. Now I realise I really should have tried harder this year to get some of those school awards I first thought were phony and useless (‘what use is $10 000 anyway?’ would have been the response of my naive self at the beginning of the year) but I had no idea how good they would look on my resumé. I am now left with an empty box for ‘awards’ and am wondering whether that Mc Donald’s trophy I won in primary school for being a ‘high achiever’ counts… I won a colouring competition when I was nine! Surely someone must be highly impressed with my ability to  ‘colour in one direction’ (Rule no. 1 in colouring in) and hire me for their graphic design company! I also won a donut-on-a-string eating competition at the peak of my performance. Will Krispy Kreme take me on? What about 3rd for orange eating on Annual? That must be one of the criteria required for a job at the Vic Market…

Or maybe I should just go for a job that doesnt require a resumé. I bet if I get a whole lot of piercings in a whole lot of awkward places, Off Ya Tree will hire me for sure. Or I could get really good wasting money and lying to people  and then join politics. I wonder how much people who get into the Guiness World Record books get for doing whatever extraordinary feat they do… What I could do is gain another 500 kg, become the world’s fattest woman and then sell millions of copies of my autobiography on what its like being the world’s fattest woman. Sounds like a plan.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve narrowed it down to two choices:
1. Write a resumé
2. Gain 500 kg

I’m going to have to sleep on it.

Dear Readers,

I know that I have not posted for quite some time, and I apologize.  I recently undertook a week long leadership course with one of Australia’s premier youth leadership organizations, which involved a week staying at not the arse end of the Earth, but pretty close to it.  I spent this week with some of our other contributors, and we all had differing experiences over the course.  If you look back to my last post or two, you will notice that I am rather cynical about the level of intelligence in the youth of the world, and Australia in particular. One thing I find is that the persecution of the intelligent seems to lessen in an environment such as the one I have spent my last week in.  People who are intelligent are respected for their abilities, their help is sought for problems, and their offerings of help are welcomed.  This is the attitude we should be looking to cultivate in ourselves.  Not quite a celebration, but rather an acceptance of the intelligencia, and perhaps, God forbid, respect that someone may know more than you on a particular subject.

So, people of the Interwebs, my message to you:

Next time that nerdy kid sticks his hand up in the front, or that workmate who has no life gets that pay rise, stop and think…. “Why don’t I know the answer?” “Why him not me?”

Here’s the answer:

“Switch on, the world respects intelligence and dedication to work, even if you don’t.”

Teen drinking is very bad. I got a fake ID though.

(I no longer need a fake ID. My ID is sufficient.)

For most of this year I abstained from the booze, this was due to an incredibly embarrassing occurrence that is not going to be mentioned, not even on this blog, and I had no wish to repeat this. Not drinking is less fun than drinking. I know, I’ve seen both sides of the tracks. I have a inbuilt need to care for people, and when they’re drunk, and lacking in judgement, this makes for a not fun night. On the other hand, you can get drunk and let other people worry about you. This is more fun. It’s better fun when everyone is drunk, but that can lead to date rape etc. My solution to this is to just drink in a safe (home) environment, as a) the alcohol is cheaper than at a bar, and b) everyone can get drunk!

Just ensure there are no balconies to fall off, no roofs to climb on, and that no one gets drunk enough to pass out and choke on their own vomit.

Death is bad. Quite like teen drinking.

Don’t Die.

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