So it’s nearly Christmas already, as you should be well aware of, unless you have been living under a rock for the past few months (that’s you, Osama bin Laden… Wherever you may be…)
At last we can get this over and done with.
There will be no more consumer-fuelled commercialism (until the next religious holiday, Easter. Seriously, there are Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies lining the shelves as we speak).

Instead, Christmas steps aside so that consumer-fuelled fighting over reduced goods may begin. From experience, parents often promise their kids an ‘After Christmas’ present, when in a few days time, will be the perfect opportunity to be looking for one.

Sales…It is easy to get wrapped up in the word: SALE. Most people won’t realise that what they bought is an utter piece of shit until they take it home and realise that they really have no use for a toaster that burns your toast in 350 shades of brown. Then again, perhaps it’s all in the thrill of the chase. Waking up at 5 am in the morning to race 5000 ravenous women into a department store full of cheap, dumped and unwanted stock? Two thousand dollars and a broken leg. Watching the victims with sprained ankles and hernias on TV? Priceless.

So to prevent future stressful situations involving what to buy for your family or loved ones, I have chosen a few excellent gifts. I do disapprove of all this commercialism, but then again, buying things DOES help the economy.

So what happens if you can’t find a gift for your girlfriend / yo mama?
Take a look at this:
fetus-cookie

Wow. I know what my mum’s getting for Christmas next year! The website that sells them claims: ‘When you’re done, your kitchen will be filled with the enchanting aroma of freshly baked fetuses!’ 
Whoever invented them was either a genius who:
a) Merged the tasty combo of cookie and foetus
b) A pedophile        OR
c) All of the above.

If you’re having trouble getting a gift for your kid for any occasion, try one of these:cat-lady 

cat-lady-2

Guarantees hours of fun… And a great role model for little girls. The lesson here is that if you become unsuccessful at life, just become unemployed, buy a great pair of tartan pants and loafers, attract a bunch of cats and you’ll get your own action figure!

Well then, ladies, what do you get for your boyfriend, I hear you ask? 
 I completely understand. So here is the perfect gift for that special guy in your life
(It’s a bonus if he goes to Melbourne High!)

unicorn-1

 Yep that’s right… The avenging unicorn. This is what happens when unicorns go bad.
It even comes with 4 interchangeable horns for all your impaling needs.

Now, you should have no problem shopping around for last minute gifts. Don’t be disappointed if you don’t get a foetus-shaped cookie cutter this year. There’s always the next. Or perhaps that was what the person, who bought you the toaster that burns your bread into 350 shades of brown, really meant to buy you.

Merry Christmas everyone!

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