All I want for Christmas… is some useless crap.

So it’s nearly Christmas already, as you should be well aware of, unless you have been living under a rock for the past few months (that’s you, Osama bin Laden… Wherever you may be…)
At last we can get this over and done with.
There will be no more consumer-fuelled commercialism (until the next religious holiday, Easter. Seriously, there are Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies lining the shelves as we speak).

Instead, Christmas steps aside so that consumer-fuelled fighting over reduced goods may begin. From experience, parents often promise their kids an ‘After Christmas’ present, when in a few days time, will be the perfect opportunity to be looking for one.

Sales…It is easy to get wrapped up in the word: SALE. Most people won’t realise that what they bought is an utter piece of shit until they take it home and realise that they really have no use for a toaster that burns your toast in 350 shades of brown. Then again, perhaps it’s all in the thrill of the chase. Waking up at 5 am in the morning to race 5000 ravenous women into a department store full of cheap, dumped and unwanted stock? Two thousand dollars and a broken leg. Watching the victims with sprained ankles and hernias on TV? Priceless.

So to prevent future stressful situations involving what to buy for your family or loved ones, I have chosen a few excellent gifts. I do disapprove of all this commercialism, but then again, buying things DOES help the economy.

So what happens if you can’t find a gift for your girlfriend / yo mama?
Take a look at this:

Wow. I know what my mum’s getting for Christmas next year! The website that sells them claims: ‘When you’re done, your kitchen will be filled with the enchanting aroma of freshly baked fetuses!’ 
Whoever invented them was either a genius who:
a) Merged the tasty combo of cookie and foetus
b) A pedophile        OR
c) All of the above.

If you’re having trouble getting a gift for your kid for any occasion, try one of these: 

Guarantees hours of fun… And a great role model for little girls. The lesson here is that if you become unsuccessful at life, just become unemployed, buy a great pair of tartan pants and loafers, attract a bunch of cats and you’ll get your own action figure!

Well then, ladies, what do you get for your boyfriend, I hear you ask? 
 I completely understand. So here is the perfect gift for that special guy in your life
(It’s a bonus if he goes to Melbourne High!)

 Yep that’s right… The avenging unicorn. This is what happens when unicorns go bad.
It even comes with 4 interchangeable horns for all your impaling needs.

Now, you should have no problem shopping around for last minute gifts. Don’t be disappointed if you don’t get a foetus-shaped cookie cutter this year. There’s always the next. Or perhaps that was what the person, who bought you the toaster that burns your bread into 350 shades of brown, really meant to buy you.

Merry Christmas everyone!

 

Clothes. Who needs them?

After raiding through my closet for hours on end, I have discovered that clothes are useless. Sure, they keep us warm. Sure, they help us protect our modesty. But all in all, too much time is wasted on picking and choosing and ‘mixing & matching’ and other such lame yet catchy names given to the art of covering oneself.

Getting lost in my wardrobe between piles of odd socks, old underwear (‘old’ as in the ‘too small to fit’ kind-of-old, not of the ‘3 months passed after use without washing’ kind), broken yoga mats, and statues of naked women is what I experience everytime I’m trying to look for some unsoiled pants. For some reason, my family thinks that my closet is also the perfect place to use for dumping everyone’s unwanted shit.

So anyway, uh… Where was I? Right, back to my point… WHO LIKES SHORT SHORTS?? Wait… No… CLOTHES WERE BIRTHED FROM THE LOINS OF SATAN! Yes, I think that’s it. So anyway, all these people are making money from the fashion industry and they’re feeding us a whole lot of mumbo jumbo fizzle shizzle and we can’t help but be influenced by their products. Take Boho for example. (No, that is not a typo of Bono’s name), its pretty much, in my opinion, anything to do with hippies, hysterical gypsies, flowers,and tying fabric to your forehead. For guys, its all about the hair and probably a pair of designer sunglasses with some kind of fad initials on them like ‘CK’, ‘CC’, ‘LV’ or ‘SUPRE’. Clothes these days are only really ‘cool’ if they’re endorsed by someone with a name like ‘”Miley” Destiny Hope Cyrus’ or ‘Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Drummey Geldof’.

For your pleasure, I have included:

Some entertaining things to do whilst nude:
1. Run around the house while your family is away shopping/holidaying/gardening/sleeping
2. Experience a nice breeze
4. Frolic though a meadow
5. Make a phone call (They’ll never know…)
6. Pee in the shower (It’s a basic human right)

And some things which you shouldn’t do whilst nude:
1. Deep frying
2. Picking up your kids
3. Jumping / climbing fences
4. Rolling down hills
5. Visiting your grandparents
6. Operating heavy machinery (ie. Lawn mower / clippers)

Note: I am not saying that everyone should become a nudist (as I myself have no intention to do so), but I am suggesting however, that everyone should THINK like a nudist. Because, let’s face it, life is a lot more fun without clothes.

 

Dragonball the Movie

So apparently they’re making a live-action film of Dragonball.

And most of the actors aren’t even Asian.

My response upon discovering this?

– Ruob.

 

Secrets of: SPECIAL EDITION DVDs

Have you ever gone to a party, and got stuck talking to someone who loves their job, just a little too much? This is how it went for me:

Me (pretending to act interested): Really? You’re the team gynacologist for the Hungarian ladies Waterpolo squad. That must be nice for you.

Other guy: Mmmmhmmm

Now it’s hard not to slip something in their drink, just to shut them up. A little bit of cyanide in the cosmopolitan or some arsenic in their Appletini – basically whatever it takes.

Then why then do we find ourselves buying the Special Editions of DVDs? It’s just someone who loves their jobs a little too much bragging about it, AND you paid extra for the triple deluxe combo box set. It’s just always some guy saying how lucky he is to be making models for Tim Burton.

So where’s MY documentary? There’s no deluxe edition about me and my work. There’s no film crew, following me around school, while I’m stealing stationary from the teacher’s desk, or poking my friend with a cheap pen to keep him awake during a Monday morning math class.

Living in Melbourne and reading the Age, there are always profiles some guys working at Pixar:

Chuck is an animator at Pixar. He is currently working on the next pixar film ‘Coyote’. He was fortunate enough to have spent a month, all expenses paid, in Africa, studying the knee caps of coyotes. And because Scarlette Johansson provides one of the voices, Chuck got to spend some time with her, measuring her knee caps. Then, Chuck goes back to his desk, and gets felated by his Taiwanese ladyboy, and fed sushi by his cat. He spends the rest of his day, licking cavier off the breast of aspring model/actresses, flown up from LA on Steve Jobs private jet.

So what can I tell you, Chuck? Much as I admire your work at Pixar, I secretly hope that someday you get cavier poisoning or choke on the nipple of some aspiring Kiera Knightley wannabe.

And now for the Special Features…

 

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

This stupid show, which claims to pit a variety of contestants against a selection of questions purported to be of primary school standard, is probably more challenging than most high school tests. Below is a selection of questions from tonight’s episode:

Grade Five Geography: The smaller country of Andorra is located between which two much larger countries?
My sister hasn’t even heard of Andorra. And she’s in grade 6. Hell, even I don’t know where Andorra is.

Grade Two Literature (since when was Literature taught in Grade Two? As far as I know, it’s a VCE subject only.): The magic puddings wish to protect their pudding from who? (or something like that.)
Now, having never read the book (that, by the way, is never mentioned. It could be ANY magic puddings), I find this question both stupid and confusing.

Grade Five Sport: The first non-French winner of the Tour de France was from where?
In primary school, sport is just…playing sport. You don’t actually learn any theory or any facts at all. My sister doesn’t even know what the Tour de France is. This is a real grade sixer, not some cute charismatic phoney that the producers stuck into the show.

Science: Insects are classified as what creature, beginning with A?
Having just started learning taxonomy this year, in Biology 1/2, I hardly expect even a fifth grader to be able to answer this question.

History: Who invented the first lock?
What the hell? If they’re teaching this stuff in school, then primary school has gone downhill since when I was there. I don’t think anyone really cares who invented the first lock. I doubt most people even know who did. I know I don’t.

Maths: How many equilateral triangles comprise the net of a tetrahedron?
What’s a tetrahedron? This is from a guy doing both Specialist Maths: General and Maths Methods.

Computer Skills: What does http stand for?
Okay, I spend more time on the Internet than a lot of people I know, and hell if I know this. I mean, do they honestly expect us to believe that primary school kids get taught exactly what http is and what it means?

History: What was the name of the ship that Flinders took around Australia?
Now, do we really expect little grade school kids to know who Bass and Flinders were, and what their contribution to Australian history is? Hell, I’ve read about Flinders and I’ll be damned if I know the name of any of his ships.

Science: What is the process that plants go through to make the sun’s energy into food?
Having only learnt about photosynthesis upon entry into high school, I doubt primary school kids understand the complex nature of ATP, ADP, and all that stuff.

Grade Five General Knowledge: What is Pink’s last name?
Can someone please explain to me how this falls under the category of General Knowledge? I do hope that my sister isn’t being taught rubbish like this in school…

General Knowledge: What is the floral emblem of New South Wales?
Was never taught this…don’t even know the floral emblem of Victoria, for that matter. And I live there!

In reality, none of these questions even slightly represent anything approaching intelligence. It’s more of a trivia competition than anything else. While Rove claims that all questions come off an actual school syllabus, I’d like to see the school that teaches it’s students about Pink’s last name, or who invented the first lock.

In short, this show is stupid, a waste of time, utterly boring, completely unrealistic, and probably rigged.