Life


So last year was shit for me, one of the worst years I can remember (the others I’ve repressed). I have 9GBs of music on my computer, yet I can’t find anything to listen to that doesn’t remind me of a shit point in time.

The entire year was shit. The first six months I missed my best friend in the entire world. The last six months was focussed on the fact that I hadn’t studied, and really should have, but couldn’t really be bothered, and that my best friend still wasn’t there.

So everything reminds me of either missing her, or getting really upset about school, but she’s returned, so I’m happy. Now there is nothing within my entire music library to share that sentiment. Even if you were to believe that the song was actually quite a happy one, the fact is that I listened to them, to try and make me happy, but it often didn’t work.

I’m so happy now. Everything is just perfect. But talk to me on the 15th, and it may be a different story.

I think I should run away and join the circus, (no really, I’d love to be a clown.)

Life is annoying. Nothing is ever right.

All I do is complain, but there are so many people out there who are in a much worse situation, who don’t complain. I feel mean, and inconsiderate.

Peace out.

Yep, Happy New Year’s everyone! It’s two thousand and nine. The last year for you to purchase glasses in the shape of 2009 before you end up buying ones that have a huge long piece of plastic where you’re nose should be in 2010. It just doesn’t have the same effect…

So I’m sure everyone knows you got smashed off your face on new year’s eve, woke up in some old lady’s flower bed the next morning with no panties on, a pool of vomit on your chest and a large gash where your belly button used to be. (Okay, so maybe that didn’t happen to everyone, but I know that would have happened to the guy who we met at the park, whose girl friend had scratched him from his chest down to his groin. And let me tell you, it was NOT cute. Although I know what you’re thinking… Pretty kinky, right?)

All I know is that it could be worse. After seeing a swivel chair hurtling towards me with a drunk teenage guy on it with a cigarette in one hand and imitation Kanye West glasses on his face, I’m afraid to say that a small part of me, that wanted to drink, died. I think I could write a book on this experience, called 101 things to do with swivel chairs. It would go a little something like this…
1. Get drunk whilst straddling a swivel chair
2. Ride it full speed down the street
3. Spin around for a while
4. Fall over the curb and off the seat
5. Get back on
6. Fall off again
7. Get back on
8. Fall off again.
       ETC.
101. Decide that the reason you have been falling off is that a wheel is broken (when in fact all wheels are intact, but however, it makes good fun to watch).

Anyway, 2009 doesn’t seem to hold any exciting promises. Doesn’t seem like anything good could happen this year (unless you count going bankrupt as a good thing). Obviously, Channel Ten agrees with me, after airing an ABBA special on new year’s eve. I mean, what does a Swedish band, sequins, lycra and cat suits (or in unfortunate band member Bjorn’s case, revealing transvestite one-pieces) have to do with the new year? Unless sequins, lycra, cat suits and revealing transevestite one-pieces and/or ABBA are making a comeback in 2009… Move over Britney! I hear talks are in place for Mamma Mia the Musical Two, so it could very well be possible. Kids, keep your eyes peeled.

Oh by the way just before I leave, just wanted to mention that another clever thing to do on NYE is run around a park at midnight minus pants, whist shouting ‘Where are my pants?’ and ‘Who stole my pants?’ or ‘Teehee! Pants!’
Because in the end, Stupidity = Quite Entertaining, despite all the negativity towards stupid people. After all, there’s only one day of the year where I’m willing to hand out exceptions. So to all you lunatics who get smashed, lose your pants, get mauled by girlfriends and spin around on chairs all night on new years, I say God Bless You, because without you, it just wouldn’t be the same.

             Happy 09 !

Good afternoon on this fine Christmas Eve, comrades.

Here’s a thought that seems to be appropriate to share on Christmas Eve.

Why do people bother going through the painstaking process of choosing and buying presents for people, with a roughly 90% chance that he/she won’t like it?

Why can’t people just give some money as a present, and the recipient can go and choose and buy something he’ll actually like?

I find it idiotic that, for the sake of “tradition”, people are willing to fight through swarms of fellow shoppers and significant amounts of time hunting for Christmas “bargains”, only to have whatever shitty present they buy promptly forgotten forever by the recipient. Is it not blatantly obvious that the most logical way to do Christmas giving is by handing over a few notes so he/she can buy something they’ll definitely like? Stop wasting effort in vainly hunting for “perfect” presents, in the process funding big corporations and companies and giving those filthy rich Capitalists a much unneeded boost. Go spend your time on something more productive and of more value to this world.

“But wait, you dirty communist!” you might say. “What about the excitement of opening up an unknown present! Stop trying to take away an important Christmas tradition!”

Well, quite frankly, no matter the excitement and suspense associated with presents, a gift from someone else will never suit your wants and needs as much as if you go out and buy it yourself. And I couldn’t care less about “tradition”, in this day and age what we need is practicality and logical thinking to solve problems that plague society. So what if giving money doesn’t look as good as giving a box wrapped up in colourful paper. It’s the practical solution. Getting rid of the silly, imagined importance of wrapped up presents will help solve the stress and often chaos associated with Christmas shopping. I mean, people have been killed in Christmas shopping-related stampedes. It is really worth it for 40% off some overpriced product (despite the fact that, even with the 40% discount, it’s still overpriced)?

Then you might argue that, with everyone giving each other money, it would be even more silly, with people being able to see clearly exactly how much they’ve profited or lost. Well I personally wouldn’t mind seeing an annual period of spreading the wealth, but I admit that this idea is somewhat unfeasible.

So you know what? Let’s just cut out this costly ritual of spending large amounts of money on each other’s wants (not needs), and actually give to people who need it! Let’s make Christmas a giant charity-fest, an annual event where, along with traditional Christmas celebrations, people bond together and donate large amounts of funds to charities, giving to the less fortunate poverty-stricken people both at home and abroad in poor areas, and helping supply for their basic needs to survive, instead of running around wondering what new flashy gadget we can add to our collection. For the religious ones out there, I’m sure your Jesus would be pleased with such a combined action to help the needy every year, much more so than making the rich even richer. For the non-religious, well, such a charity-fest would simply be a highly productive, conscience-nurturing and fulfilling thing to take part in – much better than spending hours hunting for meaningless products, only to never see them in use again after giving them away.

Modern Christmas is a Capitalist lie. How did we turn a time for reflecting on the goodness of humanity into a money-grubbing Capitalist’s wet dream? Maybe it’s time we saw through the hugely unnecessary amounts of the trivial, commercial aspects of today’s Christmas and get back to the positive and spiritual meaning behind it. We should take a look at the bigger picture and make use of Christmas, a time when good nature and generosity are at a high, to get something useful and necessary done in this problematic world.

– Ruob.

So it’s nearly Christmas already, as you should be well aware of, unless you have been living under a rock for the past few months (that’s you, Osama bin Laden… Wherever you may be…)
At last we can get this over and done with.
There will be no more consumer-fuelled commercialism (until the next religious holiday, Easter. Seriously, there are Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies lining the shelves as we speak).

Instead, Christmas steps aside so that consumer-fuelled fighting over reduced goods may begin. From experience, parents often promise their kids an ‘After Christmas’ present, when in a few days time, will be the perfect opportunity to be looking for one.

Sales…It is easy to get wrapped up in the word: SALE. Most people won’t realise that what they bought is an utter piece of shit until they take it home and realise that they really have no use for a toaster that burns your toast in 350 shades of brown. Then again, perhaps it’s all in the thrill of the chase. Waking up at 5 am in the morning to race 5000 ravenous women into a department store full of cheap, dumped and unwanted stock? Two thousand dollars and a broken leg. Watching the victims with sprained ankles and hernias on TV? Priceless.

So to prevent future stressful situations involving what to buy for your family or loved ones, I have chosen a few excellent gifts. I do disapprove of all this commercialism, but then again, buying things DOES help the economy.

So what happens if you can’t find a gift for your girlfriend / yo mama?
Take a look at this:
fetus-cookie

Wow. I know what my mum’s getting for Christmas next year! The website that sells them claims: ‘When you’re done, your kitchen will be filled with the enchanting aroma of freshly baked fetuses!’ 
Whoever invented them was either a genius who:
a) Merged the tasty combo of cookie and foetus
b) A pedophile        OR
c) All of the above.

If you’re having trouble getting a gift for your kid for any occasion, try one of these:cat-lady 

cat-lady-2

Guarantees hours of fun… And a great role model for little girls. The lesson here is that if you become unsuccessful at life, just become unemployed, buy a great pair of tartan pants and loafers, attract a bunch of cats and you’ll get your own action figure!

Well then, ladies, what do you get for your boyfriend, I hear you ask? 
 I completely understand. So here is the perfect gift for that special guy in your life
(It’s a bonus if he goes to Melbourne High!)

unicorn-1

 Yep that’s right… The avenging unicorn. This is what happens when unicorns go bad.
It even comes with 4 interchangeable horns for all your impaling needs.

Now, you should have no problem shopping around for last minute gifts. Don’t be disappointed if you don’t get a foetus-shaped cookie cutter this year. There’s always the next. Or perhaps that was what the person, who bought you the toaster that burns your bread into 350 shades of brown, really meant to buy you.

Merry Christmas everyone!

This week I have realised that it is time to get a move on with applying for a job for next year’s work experience. The job I want (at a newspaper company) requires that I submit my application an entire year prior to the work experience date. Now I realise I really should have tried harder this year to get some of those school awards I first thought were phony and useless (‘what use is $10 000 anyway?’ would have been the response of my naive self at the beginning of the year) but I had no idea how good they would look on my resumé. I am now left with an empty box for ‘awards’ and am wondering whether that Mc Donald’s trophy I won in primary school for being a ‘high achiever’ counts… I won a colouring competition when I was nine! Surely someone must be highly impressed with my ability to  ‘colour in one direction’ (Rule no. 1 in colouring in) and hire me for their graphic design company! I also won a donut-on-a-string eating competition at the peak of my performance. Will Krispy Kreme take me on? What about 3rd for orange eating on Annual? That must be one of the criteria required for a job at the Vic Market…

Or maybe I should just go for a job that doesnt require a resumé. I bet if I get a whole lot of piercings in a whole lot of awkward places, Off Ya Tree will hire me for sure. Or I could get really good wasting money and lying to people  and then join politics. I wonder how much people who get into the Guiness World Record books get for doing whatever extraordinary feat they do… What I could do is gain another 500 kg, become the world’s fattest woman and then sell millions of copies of my autobiography on what its like being the world’s fattest woman. Sounds like a plan.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve narrowed it down to two choices:
1. Write a resumé
2. Gain 500 kg

I’m going to have to sleep on it.

Teen drinking is very bad. I got a fake ID though.

(I no longer need a fake ID. My ID is sufficient.)

For most of this year I abstained from the booze, this was due to an incredibly embarrassing occurrence that is not going to be mentioned, not even on this blog, and I had no wish to repeat this. Not drinking is less fun than drinking. I know, I’ve seen both sides of the tracks. I have a inbuilt need to care for people, and when they’re drunk, and lacking in judgement, this makes for a not fun night. On the other hand, you can get drunk and let other people worry about you. This is more fun. It’s better fun when everyone is drunk, but that can lead to date rape etc. My solution to this is to just drink in a safe (home) environment, as a) the alcohol is cheaper than at a bar, and b) everyone can get drunk!

Just ensure there are no balconies to fall off, no roofs to climb on, and that no one gets drunk enough to pass out and choke on their own vomit.

Death is bad. Quite like teen drinking.

Don’t Die.

This week has left me sleep deprived (which I can blame daylight savings for, or perhaps the sun), feeling sick and clothing/gender confused. The sudden change of weather in the past week is really doing my head in. Is it summer? Or is it winter? Is it due to climate change? Or just Al Gore screwing around? All these questions, and more, will be answered in today’s blog.

So first thing first: It sucks to be sick during summer. Yeah I’m aware that it’s still spring. At least now I can hide behind a mask of ‘Oh, it’s hayfever, nothing contagious’ instead of me actually coming down with a cold. So while other people are parading around half naked in short shorts and thongs (the things you wear on your feet), I’ve resorted to a diet of lemon juice and Chinese herbal throat medication which looks like green M&M’s but actually contains ingredients of the more sinister kind… mainly ground up bits of tree roots and plants with long, scientific names, like schizonepeta tenuifolia. What is it? Who knows. Another one of life’s little mysteries…

Just when I clear my closet out and dispose of jumpers and other woollen delights, mother nature turns around and decides to dish out a dose of flash floods and hailstorms with ice as big as my head falling out of the sky. That’s right, THE SKY IS FALLING!! Yep, you heard it first. So anyway, it was 35 degrees two weeks ago, and next thing I know, I’m wearing my Corey Worthington-esque furry hood jacket. This needs to be stopped! Not only are furry hood jackets against the law, the weather is fucked! Either that or God is going through a midlife crisis and wants to take it out on us.

Personally, I’m going with the first suggestion.

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