Public Transport

So, I standing on my platform, in the spitting rain, pondering my relationship with Connex. Some say that relationships boil down to four things: Commitment, Trust, Communication and eventually, Love. (I’m not sure if ‘some’ actually say this. These are just the ones that best fitted in with what I wanted to write about).

Commitment. I think I’m committed to our relationship. I woke up this morning, bemused to hear that there were major delays on my train line, the Pakenham/Cranbourne Line. I went to the station anyway, more than willing to wait for an available service. The first service came after an obscene amount of minutes, and I don’t think the passengers on them had ever been so ‘intimate’ with that many people before. But I waited for the next one, and when that was similarly full, I kept waiting. Commitment, Connex, commitment. You often say you’re also committed to delivering top-notch services and to continuously improving our rail network. I’ll have to give you this. You’re apparently always fixing or repairing something. I have yet to see any actual evidence of this, but I’ll believe you.

Trust. This is undeniably lacking in our relationship, Connex. I mean, you’re able to trust that each month I will purchase a ticket so I can travel to University and wherever else. But I can’t really trust, you can I? You cancel a lot of my trains. Sure, maybe it’s owing to reasons outside of your control. I can understand this. I’m an understanding person. But each time you do cancel one of my trains, or tell me one of my trains is delayed, I die a little on the inside, and with that, a little bit of the trust that I previously had for you goes with it.

Communication. This is what hurts me the most. All I need to hear is a, ‘Hey Folks, trains are screwed today, this is the reason why, and it will be this long till the next train’. Simple, concise, and to the point (unlike this letter). I don’t care that you ‘apologise’ for any ‘inconvenience’ caused. As long as you’re keeping me informed with what’s going on, I’m happy. But you don’t always do that. It just isn’t good enough. When a train stops in the middle of the tracks, on the off chance the train driver announces the reason why, or even apologises for not knowing the reason, I just want to hug him/her. Hey, I’m easy. But all you do is break my heart.

Love. Let’s be frank…I don’t love you. Sure, I do think some of your ticket inspectors and customer service representatives are far too attractive to be doing what they’re doing, but the train system is not sexy and will never hump my camel. But you love my money, don’t you? Yeah, I can that little grin developing. Don’t hide it.

Maybe I’m just an ignorant and whiny Uni student willing to complain about things when they don’t go right for me. Maybe, I should just suck it up and shut my mouth in the future. But Connex:

I hate you, I will never love you and I don’t want to see you again.

But I will…because I’m using you for your services. That’s right. I’m just using you.



Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you’ve woken up late for work/school, and you’ve had to run for the train. Not only have you had to waste almost 10 calories for running for the train, but also you’ve missed out on breakfeast, havn’t cleaned your teeth properly, or applied the day’s make up and done your hair. Well that’s never happened to me, but it has to some people that I have had the unfortunate pain of knowing – or worse, being associated with.

The end result of doing one's hair on public transport

The end result of doing one's hair on public transport

As a regular commuter I like to enjoy my mornings with a spot of reading – preferably the daily newspaper. There’s nothing better than preparing yourself mentally for the day ahead. However, when other commuters (worse when it’s someone in the same uniform as you) prepare themselves physically for the day ahead, that is just unacceptable. Now there are a plethora of things that they may do, and this is by no means restricted to a particular sex.

They may:

-Do their hair

-Apply make up

-Adjust their bra


-Changing clothes!

(The last 3 of this list will be expanded on in later episodes)

Now all of the above are activities that one does at home before he/she steps foot on public transport. But for some people (and they always seem to be the same people), they see it not just appropriate, but a necessity to undertake such activities in the face of other commuters – most of whom are complete strangers.

When travelling to school/work every morning I do not wish to faced with watching another commuter applying hair products to create a monstrousity as seen above. And I certainly do not wish to see their underwear while they change into more suitable attire for their business meetings (unless if it’s Victoria’s secret – dependent on that person’s size though – RESTRICTED TO FEMALES ONLY).

Apart from being annoying and somewhat anti social, applying make up and similar activities poses a physical nuisance for other commuters. Now imagine you’re sitting down in a farely cramped carriage (car for you Americans) and you’re trying to sip on your coffee, when a eyeliner pencil almost hits you in the face because of the nature of travelling on trains. See what I mean? Bitch should be thrown off the moving train. After all, she just wants to impress her boss so she can get a promotion, the scourge of society must be dealt with.

Now some of you might say that other people doing such activities on public transport does not phase you. Come back to me and say that when you only have 30% vision left because someone’s hair gel was projected in your eye, or a hairy man’s chest hair was revealed to the world and it’s gruesomeness blinded you. I dare you to test the limits.

Until next time,

Eat your cereal with a fork.

You’re on the train/tram/bus, standing up because you don’t want to take a seat you know you’ll eventually feel socially obligated to give up later. As the train/tram/bus stops, other commuters enter all searching for a seat or a place to stand where they can comfortably hold on tight. As a commuter goes to reach for the hand-rail, he or she, grazes/touches your hand.

What do you do!? I’ve seen it so often: both people end up simultaneously moving their hands using the economic rationale that both will end in a less compromising position. I argue that this is a stupid decision. By both deciding to adjust your hand position, the chances of resulting in the initial uncomfortable and awkward situation increases. I’ve also seen this before. Thus, one person should move their hand, and the other should hold their position.

And you know what. If I had my hand on the hand-rail first, they should be the one to move.

This little qualm that I have sounds wildly insignificant and somewhat idiotic, but hear me out. I was presented with the situation above months ago. I held my position but the other commuter continued to graze my hand and it got to the point where the commuter just left their pinkie-finger over my index.

End result: I headbutted her in the face.


( I actually didn’t. But seriously, don’t touch me. Also, if someone opens the train door for you, thank them you tight bastard. And, if you have terrible body odour, do something about it. And don’t touch me.)

Written by Matt Wilson

This is a notice on train etiquette designed for adults as well as school children (ages 15-45). Now let us begin:


1. This is a very vague subject so I shall sprawl deeper into the topic
– For those in groups keep voices to a dull whisper I don’t care what boy likes you (directed at 16yr old girls and private school boys)
– For those girls/ young guys, your voice is probably high pitched. An enclosed space is not the place to raise your voice, its already screechy enough, your friends know this, and the rest of the train doesn’t need to know this fact about you.
– If you are in a group of 4 or more only let one person speak at once, this makes it easier for people to listen in and quit downs the train (even though your conversation isn’t interesting either)


2. If you are extremely tall or larger stature good for you or bad either way, it doesn’t give you the permission to take up 3 seats.
3. Those shorter of us, don’t over compensate by carrying everything either in your hands or on your back, I’m pretty sure the ground will hold it to, you guys are not turtles you do no need to keep your whole life on your back.

Mobile phones/ palm pilots and any Ridiculous device that runs your life

4. These things are handy in life, but I don’t need to be able to hear the sound of the other person’s voice on a phone/ sound of a musician/ sound of you wining solitaire.


5. No talking without pants on, this doesn’t relate to trains necessarily but to normal everyday life, tis real handy. Abide by it at all cost


6. This particular topic relates to the older generation:
– No, the students don’t pay full fare. But why do you deserve a seat. You probably take fewer stops and you still complain more than others. I have a few pills for you. . . Harden the fuck up pills, stop being princesses and stand for the 10-45 mins because no doubt you are going to an office to sit on your ass for 5-9 hours
7. Being older doesn’t stop you saying please/ thank you for those moving out of your way, and here’s an idea ask for the fucking seat, don’t expect it, get off your (insert profanity) high horse. 9/10 if you ask politely the student will be polite back

Give me a bell if more things should be added and I will get to it.