Social


Good afternoon on this fine Christmas Eve, comrades.

Here’s a thought that seems to be appropriate to share on Christmas Eve.

Why do people bother going through the painstaking process of choosing and buying presents for people, with a roughly 90% chance that he/she won’t like it?

Why can’t people just give some money as a present, and the recipient can go and choose and buy something he’ll actually like?

I find it idiotic that, for the sake of “tradition”, people are willing to fight through swarms of fellow shoppers and significant amounts of time hunting for Christmas “bargains”, only to have whatever shitty present they buy promptly forgotten forever by the recipient. Is it not blatantly obvious that the most logical way to do Christmas giving is by handing over a few notes so he/she can buy something they’ll definitely like? Stop wasting effort in vainly hunting for “perfect” presents, in the process funding big corporations and companies and giving those filthy rich Capitalists a much unneeded boost. Go spend your time on something more productive and of more value to this world.

“But wait, you dirty communist!” you might say. “What about the excitement of opening up an unknown present! Stop trying to take away an important Christmas tradition!”

Well, quite frankly, no matter the excitement and suspense associated with presents, a gift from someone else will never suit your wants and needs as much as if you go out and buy it yourself. And I couldn’t care less about “tradition”, in this day and age what we need is practicality and logical thinking to solve problems that plague society. So what if giving money doesn’t look as good as giving a box wrapped up in colourful paper. It’s the practical solution. Getting rid of the silly, imagined importance of wrapped up presents will help solve the stress and often chaos associated with Christmas shopping. I mean, people have been killed in Christmas shopping-related stampedes. It is really worth it for 40% off some overpriced product (despite the fact that, even with the 40% discount, it’s still overpriced)?

Then you might argue that, with everyone giving each other money, it would be even more silly, with people being able to see clearly exactly how much they’ve profited or lost. Well I personally wouldn’t mind seeing an annual period of spreading the wealth, but I admit that this idea is somewhat unfeasible.

So you know what? Let’s just cut out this costly ritual of spending large amounts of money on each other’s wants (not needs), and actually give to people who need it! Let’s make Christmas a giant charity-fest, an annual event where, along with traditional Christmas celebrations, people bond together and donate large amounts of funds to charities, giving to the less fortunate poverty-stricken people both at home and abroad in poor areas, and helping supply for their basic needs to survive, instead of running around wondering what new flashy gadget we can add to our collection. For the religious ones out there, I’m sure your Jesus would be pleased with such a combined action to help the needy every year, much more so than making the rich even richer. For the non-religious, well, such a charity-fest would simply be a highly productive, conscience-nurturing and fulfilling thing to take part in – much better than spending hours hunting for meaningless products, only to never see them in use again after giving them away.

Modern Christmas is a Capitalist lie. How did we turn a time for reflecting on the goodness of humanity into a money-grubbing Capitalist’s wet dream? Maybe it’s time we saw through the hugely unnecessary amounts of the trivial, commercial aspects of today’s Christmas and get back to the positive and spiritual meaning behind it. We should take a look at the bigger picture and make use of Christmas, a time when good nature and generosity are at a high, to get something useful and necessary done in this problematic world.

– Ruob.

Teen drinking is very bad. I got a fake ID though.

(I no longer need a fake ID. My ID is sufficient.)

For most of this year I abstained from the booze, this was due to an incredibly embarrassing occurrence that is not going to be mentioned, not even on this blog, and I had no wish to repeat this. Not drinking is less fun than drinking. I know, I’ve seen both sides of the tracks. I have a inbuilt need to care for people, and when they’re drunk, and lacking in judgement, this makes for a not fun night. On the other hand, you can get drunk and let other people worry about you. This is more fun. It’s better fun when everyone is drunk, but that can lead to date rape etc. My solution to this is to just drink in a safe (home) environment, as a) the alcohol is cheaper than at a bar, and b) everyone can get drunk!

Just ensure there are no balconies to fall off, no roofs to climb on, and that no one gets drunk enough to pass out and choke on their own vomit.

Death is bad. Quite like teen drinking.

Don’t Die.

Now I’m sure all of you have gone through the situation where you’ve had to buy a new packet of pens each week because you have run out. How can that be? you may ask, well if some of you are academically fuelled students, you would have paid more attention to the teacher than just staring at Jamie Silver’s breasts, or poking your friend in the face with your pens – then having him throw it out the window (that explains the need for more pens). But as I go to an all-guy school – academically fuelled as well – that is often not the case. You see what we are plagued with is having an excess of unusually crap teachers, and teenagers have turned to their only true friend – the interwebs – to bitch about their angst on ratemyteachers.com. If you don’t know about the site, it is basically a forum of where young people from across the globe (sorted by countries) come to rate their teachers from their respective schools.

While the premise of the website is promising – it really isn’t very practical – just like communism. You see, all you’re doing is bitching about your teacher, and that get’s nothing done. Take Bob for example, his english teacher isn’t really English, more Indian or some other Potomac River native. But the point is, the education has become so overloaded with crap students and teachers, that we have resorted to providing English students with non-English teachers. Now explain to me how students are supposed to develop their lateral thinking minds when they aren’t even being taught by the right person – and don’t tell me that a non-english person can teach English, because I know first hand.

it seems that everyone has overlooked the most important thing about school because of this website – it has not only caused the average teenager to be more of a little s***, but also it has removed their lateral thinking ability. Instead of thinking outside the box, it is like drawing a little box inside the big one, and thinking within that frame. Now the problem are the teachers, and bringing this issue up to the education department simply won’t suffice. So my final and only point to all this is really, stop bitching about your teachers. There is really only one solution to this problem:

KICK YOUR DUMB ASS TEACHER IN THE BALLS

PS: It also works the same way for praising your teacher – no don’t headbut them – buy them a box of Swiss chocolates, or Belgium.

Now when I stepped out of the house this morning, I was met with sunshine and blue skies. Well winter is over and summer is here – and most of us will be thinking: EEEkkk while looking in the mirror – not a mouse running behind you in the background – but at those larger hips, thighs and buttocks. So What do we do – we immediately put on our joggers and go running, walking or immediately to the weights. And then of course, we work ourselfs too hard and end up with aches and pains and strains all over.

So what do we do to solve this? I have seen several bizarre solutions – such as digital massage therapy pads offered on Zazz. But do we really want to find ourselves in situation of wasting money on cheap gimmicks that we often fall victim to? Time and time again, the innocent consumer has been targeted by marketers into buying their horrible weight-loss products.

So, I provide you with the best solution, and it’s only $5.95!!!

Now for that price, I will come around and kick you in the groyne until your breakfast, lunch, AND dinner! upends itself so that you get rid of all those nasty calories being stored in your thighs.

And if you pay by credit card, I’ll also come around and give you a rod to shove down your throat so that you can purge when I’m not around to provide you the service.

Honestly people – get on a treadmill, go for a run, hit the gym. It’s people like you who are ruining the earth, what with your breeding of overly large children and spurring on childhood obestiy – shame on you.

Disclaimer: I’m really sorry if I offended anyone with this blog. If you email me – I will send you a coupon pack of weight watchers – lasts until the end of the month.

Whenever I see…

– Bus drivers waving to each other (driving past each other on the road)

– Subtle nods between fellow walkers

– Smiles exchanged between two commuters

– People giving up their seats for the pregnant/elderly/incapacitated

– Drivers flashing their lights, warning of a speed camera ahead

– Exchanges between shop attendants and customers, acknowledging the rude nature of another customer

– The index-finger indication of thanks/sorry/go for it/hey between drivers

– And all those other little quirks about society

…it reminds me that the world isn’t such an awful place after all.

It was reported earlier this week that Narcotics Agents seized methampetamine that had been flavoured using Nestle Nesquik. Now this is obviously a PR disaster – for the drug dealers. But it has made Nestle Nesquik ‘cool’ again, in the eyes of bored, disaffected teenagers (especially for the hard-to-impress 12 to 14 year old demographic). Above all, it’s nice to see drug dealers doing their part to combat childhood obesity.

Now you can’t fight McDonalds with apples and lettuce and tofu wraps. We can only fight fast food with faster, better flavoured drugs. For too long now, the fast food industry have ‘had it their way’, what with the Coca Cola corporation injecting every bottle of coke with a speed bottle, or Dunkin’ Donuts dunking every donut in PCP. The meat industry injecting cows with hormones as if it will make them better football players. Or what about those new, chocolate covered, ecstasy M&Ms. And for decades, Smith’s has fried every potato chip in a deadly combination of oil and LSD.

For too long the food industry has been filling our food with drugs, so it’s understandable that it’s about time that the drug industry began filling our drugs with food. So this is what it has come down to. Food corporations vs Drug dealers. Big Mac, versus Big ‘Smack’ in a battle to the death to win the hearts (literally) and minds, and insatiable apetites of consumers. And so far, the hormone injecting food industry is way in front. But the day someone comes up with the idea of making flavoured marijuana (cigarettes are just not cool), then all bets are off.

By the way, without my chocolate flavoured milk I would be unable to write this blog… and now I’ve run out 😥

I WANT MORE NESQUIK! MUM! WHERE’S MY MILK!? I WANT MY NESQUIK, QUICKLY.

See what I mean? They adertise how good it’ll make you feel, but not how bad.

Remember: Don’t get high, off your own supply

It has come to my attention that there are still many unsolved problems in our lives. For example, no matter the engineering marvels of our world, we are still unable to make the Square block into the circle hole  – and nothing is impossible. Now the problem I present to you is another episode in my Lessons in etiquette series, no it’s not how to react when your girlfriend is being naughty under the table, but an issue which affects everyone (the former of the two doesn’t count for nerds), that is Bad Breath. Now no matter what social status you may come across, there will be someone without a demographic of society which has the epidemic of bad breath. And no matter what you do, if you come into direct contact with someone suffereing from bad breath, there is unfortunately nothing that you can do except tough it out. So you may be wondering what the whole point of this post is – I was myself until i started writing. I present to you dear readers, several methods of dealing with people with bad breath.

The unfortunate experiene of realising that you have bad breath

Now this guide is designed for people who don’t have bad breath – for people who do, you do not recieve my sympathy.

Scenario:

So you are walking along the street and casually browsing through the local stores. You eye an item that you wish to purchase – whether it be an apple or the latest blow up doll (for you dirty, horny, Asians). But when the store clerk comes by and utters the phrase ‘Can I help you’, the foul smelling essence being aplified from their cum receptical becomes too much for you.

Now there are a myriad of things that you can do, and before you pick any one option, you must know what kind of kit to bring along with you just incase.

-Mints: this includes tic tacs, eclipse, etc

-Chewing gum: now some of you teenyboppers may go for “cherry” flavoured, but think about this, would it really cure bad breath?

-Dental floss: self explanatory

Extras:

-Mouth wash, toothbrush + paste

Now as you can see, it’s a farely standard kit (for those with high standards of hygeine). Now we come down to the options that you can choose, but just remember, you must be able to face the consequences of the decisions you make – be a man – do da rite ting!

Option 1: Tell it like it is. This is often a hard decision to make – or if you’re a complete prick like some people who do their hair on the train, not very hard at all (somewhat enjoyable as well). Now the repercussion to such a decision could include: getting a dirty look from the person with bad breath, them resenting you for it, and ruining your image as you would be labelled as a prick/bitch/whore/slut. Now it could also go the other way around, and you could be hailed a hero because other people didn’t have the balls to voice the truth earlier.

Option 2: Offer them a mint. Now if you also have a mint, it is a much nicer way of saying that they have bad breath, whereby you’re not stating to everyone else around you that the person you are talking has bad breath (but this really only works with people that you know).

Option 3: Tough it out. This is the most common option because most of the time we meet complete strangers with bad breath. And unfortunately it is frowned upon to say to complete stranger that they have foul smelling breath. Now if you insist on letting them know of their lack of oral hygeine, then by all means, please do so. But remember…. (BITCH).

Now as you can see, the reality of facing someone with bad breath is not enjoyable. But as a crusader on a quest, it is my duty to rid this world of such a plague. Will you join me on my mission? Ha

But until next time, floss with your mouth closed – until it’s safe to open them again.

Next Page »