So it’s nearly Christmas already, as you should be well aware of, unless you have been living under a rock for the past few months (that’s you, Osama bin Laden… Wherever you may be…)
At last we can get this over and done with.
There will be no more consumer-fuelled commercialism (until the next religious holiday, Easter. Seriously, there are Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies lining the shelves as we speak).

Instead, Christmas steps aside so that consumer-fuelled fighting over reduced goods may begin. From experience, parents often promise their kids an ‘After Christmas’ present, when in a few days time, will be the perfect opportunity to be looking for one.

Sales…It is easy to get wrapped up in the word: SALE. Most people won’t realise that what they bought is an utter piece of shit until they take it home and realise that they really have no use for a toaster that burns your toast in 350 shades of brown. Then again, perhaps it’s all in the thrill of the chase. Waking up at 5 am in the morning to race 5000 ravenous women into a department store full of cheap, dumped and unwanted stock? Two thousand dollars and a broken leg. Watching the victims with sprained ankles and hernias on TV? Priceless.

So to prevent future stressful situations involving what to buy for your family or loved ones, I have chosen a few excellent gifts. I do disapprove of all this commercialism, but then again, buying things DOES help the economy.

So what happens if you can’t find a gift for your girlfriend / yo mama?
Take a look at this:
fetus-cookie

Wow. I know what my mum’s getting for Christmas next year! The website that sells them claims: ‘When you’re done, your kitchen will be filled with the enchanting aroma of freshly baked fetuses!’ 
Whoever invented them was either a genius who:
a) Merged the tasty combo of cookie and foetus
b) A pedophile        OR
c) All of the above.

If you’re having trouble getting a gift for your kid for any occasion, try one of these:cat-lady 

cat-lady-2

Guarantees hours of fun… And a great role model for little girls. The lesson here is that if you become unsuccessful at life, just become unemployed, buy a great pair of tartan pants and loafers, attract a bunch of cats and you’ll get your own action figure!

Well then, ladies, what do you get for your boyfriend, I hear you ask? 
 I completely understand. So here is the perfect gift for that special guy in your life
(It’s a bonus if he goes to Melbourne High!)

unicorn-1

 Yep that’s right… The avenging unicorn. This is what happens when unicorns go bad.
It even comes with 4 interchangeable horns for all your impaling needs.

Now, you should have no problem shopping around for last minute gifts. Don’t be disappointed if you don’t get a foetus-shaped cookie cutter this year. There’s always the next. Or perhaps that was what the person, who bought you the toaster that burns your bread into 350 shades of brown, really meant to buy you.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Now dont get me wrong.. christmas is soo much fun. But there are always those negatives.  And because I’m in a really ‘bah humbug’ mood I’m going to list them.

1. Spending all your money on presents and then realising your broke. Oh great. I’m officially broke, no money and I’m smack bang in the middle of dying from exhaustion from traping around this shopping centre for the last four hours.. AND I CAN’T EVEN BUY MYSELF A DRINK.

2. Those dreaded relatives coming over. Sloppy kisses. Do this. Do that. Never-ending hugs. Cheek pinching. ‘Why look how much you’ve grown!’. The fluffy pink teddy they expect you to love even though you are well past the baby stages.

3. Getting up at 4.30 because somebody’s little siblings want to see santa. NO HE DOES NOT BLOODY EXIST. NO I AM NOT GETTING UP TO FIND HIM.

4. Getting up an hour later because they want to open their presents. GO TO FREAKING SLEEP.

5. Having to cook all the food when entertaining family. Or helping cook it, either way. It’s enough to make you hate kitchens for a lifetime.

6. Opening presents and realising you either a) already own it or b) would never ever buy anything relatively similar to it. And then having to pretend like its the best present ever for fear of offending anyone.

etc. etc.

That is all. Bah Humbug.

CrunchieKay

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. None of that is my personal opinion whatsoever. That was merely my attempt at being negative about christmas.. and as you can see I probably failed. Oh and none of those are my experiences. I got the ideas off grumpy old women – a classic show. 😀

This week I have realised that it is time to get a move on with applying for a job for next year’s work experience. The job I want (at a newspaper company) requires that I submit my application an entire year prior to the work experience date. Now I realise I really should have tried harder this year to get some of those school awards I first thought were phony and useless (‘what use is $10 000 anyway?’ would have been the response of my naive self at the beginning of the year) but I had no idea how good they would look on my resumé. I am now left with an empty box for ‘awards’ and am wondering whether that Mc Donald’s trophy I won in primary school for being a ‘high achiever’ counts… I won a colouring competition when I was nine! Surely someone must be highly impressed with my ability to  ‘colour in one direction’ (Rule no. 1 in colouring in) and hire me for their graphic design company! I also won a donut-on-a-string eating competition at the peak of my performance. Will Krispy Kreme take me on? What about 3rd for orange eating on Annual? That must be one of the criteria required for a job at the Vic Market…

Or maybe I should just go for a job that doesnt require a resumé. I bet if I get a whole lot of piercings in a whole lot of awkward places, Off Ya Tree will hire me for sure. Or I could get really good wasting money and lying to people  and then join politics. I wonder how much people who get into the Guiness World Record books get for doing whatever extraordinary feat they do… What I could do is gain another 500 kg, become the world’s fattest woman and then sell millions of copies of my autobiography on what its like being the world’s fattest woman. Sounds like a plan.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve narrowed it down to two choices:
1. Write a resumé
2. Gain 500 kg

I’m going to have to sleep on it.

Dear Readers,

I know that I have not posted for quite some time, and I apologize.  I recently undertook a week long leadership course with one of Australia’s premier youth leadership organizations, which involved a week staying at not the arse end of the Earth, but pretty close to it.  I spent this week with some of our other contributors, and we all had differing experiences over the course.  If you look back to my last post or two, you will notice that I am rather cynical about the level of intelligence in the youth of the world, and Australia in particular. One thing I find is that the persecution of the intelligent seems to lessen in an environment such as the one I have spent my last week in.  People who are intelligent are respected for their abilities, their help is sought for problems, and their offerings of help are welcomed.  This is the attitude we should be looking to cultivate in ourselves.  Not quite a celebration, but rather an acceptance of the intelligencia, and perhaps, God forbid, respect that someone may know more than you on a particular subject.

So, people of the Interwebs, my message to you:

Next time that nerdy kid sticks his hand up in the front, or that workmate who has no life gets that pay rise, stop and think…. “Why don’t I know the answer?” “Why him not me?”

Here’s the answer:

“Switch on, the world respects intelligence and dedication to work, even if you don’t.”

Teen drinking is very bad. I got a fake ID though.

(I no longer need a fake ID. My ID is sufficient.)

For most of this year I abstained from the booze, this was due to an incredibly embarrassing occurrence that is not going to be mentioned, not even on this blog, and I had no wish to repeat this. Not drinking is less fun than drinking. I know, I’ve seen both sides of the tracks. I have a inbuilt need to care for people, and when they’re drunk, and lacking in judgement, this makes for a not fun night. On the other hand, you can get drunk and let other people worry about you. This is more fun. It’s better fun when everyone is drunk, but that can lead to date rape etc. My solution to this is to just drink in a safe (home) environment, as a) the alcohol is cheaper than at a bar, and b) everyone can get drunk!

Just ensure there are no balconies to fall off, no roofs to climb on, and that no one gets drunk enough to pass out and choke on their own vomit.

Death is bad. Quite like teen drinking.

Don’t Die.

After raiding through my closet for hours on end, I have discovered that clothes are useless. Sure, they keep us warm. Sure, they help us protect our modesty. But all in all, too much time is wasted on picking and choosing and ‘mixing & matching’ and other such lame yet catchy names given to the art of covering oneself.

Getting lost in my wardrobe between piles of odd socks, old underwear (‘old’ as in the ‘too small to fit’ kind-of-old, not of the ‘3 months passed after use without washing’ kind), broken yoga mats, and statues of naked women is what I experience everytime I’m trying to look for some unsoiled pants. For some reason, my family thinks that my closet is also the perfect place to use for dumping everyone’s unwanted shit.

So anyway, uh… Where was I? Right, back to my point… WHO LIKES SHORT SHORTS?? Wait… No… CLOTHES WERE BIRTHED FROM THE LOINS OF SATAN! Yes, I think that’s it. So anyway, all these people are making money from the fashion industry and they’re feeding us a whole lot of mumbo jumbo fizzle shizzle and we can’t help but be influenced by their products. Take Boho for example. (No, that is not a typo of Bono’s name), its pretty much, in my opinion, anything to do with hippies, hysterical gypsies, flowers,and tying fabric to your forehead. For guys, its all about the hair and probably a pair of designer sunglasses with some kind of fad initials on them like ‘CK’, ‘CC’, ‘LV’ or ‘SUPRE’. Clothes these days are only really ‘cool’ if they’re endorsed by someone with a name like ‘”Miley” Destiny Hope Cyrus’ or ‘Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Drummey Geldof’.

For your pleasure, I have included:

Some entertaining things to do whilst nude:
1. Run around the house while your family is away shopping/holidaying/gardening/sleeping
2. Experience a nice breeze
4. Frolic though a meadow
5. Make a phone call (They’ll never know…)
6. Pee in the shower (It’s a basic human right)

And some things which you shouldn’t do whilst nude:
1. Deep frying
2. Picking up your kids
3. Jumping / climbing fences
4. Rolling down hills
5. Visiting your grandparents
6. Operating heavy machinery (ie. Lawn mower / clippers)

Note: I am not saying that everyone should become a nudist (as I myself have no intention to do so), but I am suggesting however, that everyone should THINK like a nudist. Because, let’s face it, life is a lot more fun without clothes.

Let me tell you a little story (well its not really a story with the conventional ‘start, middle and end’ seeing as its still continuing).

At my school I wouldn’t say there are classifications of popularity, more just different friendship groups.  Though if there was a ‘popular group’ my friendship group would probably be it. However there is absolutely NO way we are the stereotypical bitchy popular. We are just like everyone else and its funny how many little arguments we have had over one member of our group saying something someone else thought could possibly be offensive. Neither are we ‘exclusive’. There is 12 of us and sometimes other people hang out with us for a bit. Though the one ‘downfall’ our group has is how we have a habit for winning things. Our entire group is in our form/homeroom (how lucky is that?!) and our form is know for winning a lot of competitions. And as our group takes up half the class, and we have a lot of individuals who win from our group, we have developed this certain reputation. Now sure, anyone could hate us if they wanted and it would be understandable if we were bitchy or evil or acted in anyway like the ‘popular’ group from Mean Girls. But we’re nothing like that which makes peoples reactions.. hilarious!

Some peoples reactions are plain funny, some are clever and some are devious. But all of them make our entire group just laugh. One time a group of people put up a poster declaring that our (mine) form was holding a casual clothes day on 23rd November. Which we weren’t. Plus that date is actually a Sunday when no-one is at school. And it was devious in the fact our form would have got the blame because the poster was not signed by the vice-principal, a necessity at our school. Another time one girl found the need to have a bitch about our group to another girl she had just met, without realising that this new girl was a member of “that” group. And on two seperate occasions a girl walked past and once, clapped sarcastically at myself and a friend and then on the second time, held her nose and blew a raspberry. Which could quite possibly be considered as immature. Every single one of these examples was done by someone different, although the first one has not be ‘confirmed’ yet.

So I know, that even if my day at school (subject-wise) is bound to be incredibly boring, I can at least rely on someone else’s jealousy to entertain me a little. What I wonder is if a day will ever come that I become in fact annoyed at such actions.. I doubt it. (Unless it get’s serious). Though maybe the perpetrators will become bored with themselves – I sure hope not. 😛

CrunchieKay